WARNING: may contain nuttiness and depressive musings!

I wish I could be so light as to be tossed willfully by wind or waves so that the powerlessness I feel would be conveyed into actuality. Driven, my course dictated by another greater force beyond my own abilities and strength. Oh, how I wish that my own insignificance were so open that others would realise how I am errantly tossed by the force of another. Yes, I'm sensitive yet my curse is an outer strength which betrays no weakness in my own confidence. A hard outer edge only protects me from being loved. How can I expect anyone to want to dig past that crust? I'd like to think that I would take the time to do that for another person. It's probable that I'll be left alone in my shell. Some say you have to distance yourself from a situation to get the full aspect- the big picture. I'm so far away that it seems like a sunset on the horizon that I can't ride to fast enough. My world is crumbling; everything I know and believe is dipping into the distance- I don't even know who I am anymore, or even if I want to. 

I like the nighttime, the darkness. Everyone has a dark place inside them, I used to be strangely proud of mine- no-one knew about it but me. Now I feel myself retreating there so often that it's started to show on the outside. I find myself smiling less, not singing around the house anymore and becoming far more dark and twisty that I ever want to be for any extended period of time. 

There's a coke can on the beach here- it's ripped in half, torn and smoothed out by the movement of the sea. It has no colour- the aluminium is so weak that it appears to flutter in the breeze. This is how I feel- something that was once so great, that could hold so much, reduced to something useless, bleached of all it's former glory. Devoid of purpose. Might as well be a shell on the sand. We collect shells for their beauty forgetting that they are the empty carcasses of something that was once alive. I suppose with enough tides the shells get worn down and gradually join the sea again. Everything is recycled. Once a life is finished the soul is freed and the life is no more. The body goes on to become part of the earth again to nourish new life, new souls.

I've forgotten how much I enjoy writing just to write, as an escape; a way to deal. I feel so much calmer now- more in control of my own emotions at least. I just have to remember that I am still the same person I always was but somehow I have to find a way to get back there. Don't worry, this is temporary.