last day of Chemo! (technically speaking)

Today was a very special day, officially mum's last chemo treatment...celebrations all round. It's very far from being over but it's just good to have the main bulk of it behind us. I realised last night, that I have been really angry at mum for being sick. I know that's probably not a normal reaction but it's the reaction that I have had. I haven't been able to pinpoint it until last night. Now it is named and I can understand it better. I feel angry because she is my mum, she's not meant to get sick, she's meant to be the strong, healthy one, taking charge. I guess that's why I feel kind of bitter and a bit "how dare she get sick!" She's only 51 and is the healthiest person I know. She exercised, she ate very particularly and balanced but she still got something. It can happen to anyone but it happened to MY mum. It's unjustifiable. I realise that this happens to other people all the time and the outcome is not so good. How do you go on not knowing if someone that close to you is going to live or die? Dealing with this, knowing that it would be a good outcome was hard enough; I can't even imagine if you didn't know. Uncertainty is the worst because it gives way to any hope and preys on doubts.

I went shopping today with Bonny. I should rather define this: Bonny went shopping and I tagged along with my empty purse... I did buy some things for convention though so at least I didn't leave totally empty handed. I'm going to be making a few skirts seeing as I have the time, if not the money! Got some great design ideas anyway to mess around with. Have to see if they actually work out. Good day to actually hang out with Bonny though, I have been a social recluse which I don't mind really. I feel that I should probably get out and actually talk to people but I can't see the point sometimes. I just want to hang out with one or two people, that way it's just so much more relaxed and comfortable. Be yourself. Big groups can be like that but it's rare. I miss having guy friendships. So much easier, they don't feel the incessant need to fill all the silences. There is such a thing as a comfortable silence and I am a fan!

Bonny found a quote on a t-shirt in Miss Sixty today that pretty much sums up how I feel right now...
"There's plenty of places to hide if you're looking to be lost."
I'm looking to be lost, really I am. Looking to find somewhere new to be. New York, Melbourne, Europe? I seriously need direction and I've never had this indecision epidemic before...help!