slow mental breakdown...

Finally I have had the courage and the inclination to hit the 'new post' button. I'm stuck and don't know where I should be, where I should go or what I should do. I have always had something that has guided me to where I go next. It has been so certain, assured and final. I have been so desicive in my life and know exactly where I'm going but now it's not like that anymore and I don't know why. Maybe it's because I just stopped and became too still. I am slowly working out in my head some places where I could possibly live and work but there is nothing in my heart to guide me to where I should be. I feel so lost and don't know where to turn. I feel like I am having a mini-meltdown, don't want to see anyone or do anything. I just sit at home working on little projects and reading. It can't be good in the state of mind that I'm in. I want to see so many countries and do so many things that it's all become so overwhelming because I can't see how I can achieve all this in my current financial situation. I want to see New York again and travel slowly across Europe, living in towns for a time and discovering what the locals love about each little place. Be a traveller, not a tourist. I miss all my Canadian/American friends so much but if I went back I would miss my family here and the glorious weather. My heart has been torn in two and I can't seperate myself to live both these lives that I adore.

I have to make plans, new plans and real plans to put myself into action again and work toward something that I can grasp. I need to feel grounded again in my hopes. Feet planted firmly in the clouds. That's the way I like it.