selfish girl?

If it's true that every woman has the exact love life she wants, what is it that I have been wanting? What is it in my life that's keeping me single and miserable? I'm sure I don't want that so maybe it's something a little more subtle... is it that I love the freedom or that I love being by myself? Is it that I am so happy with who I am that I leave no room for anyone else? I am cringing here hoping that these are none of the reasons but at the same time I know that they are true. Could this have prevented men from even approaching me or considering me to be a part of their lives? How pathetic is that? So many times I just want to turn to someone to share something small I have noticed that no-one else sees... but then I realise it's just me and the camera. A documentation of stories to be told later over boring slide show nights. I want something real. I feel like I have been withdrawing further and further away from people because I can't find what I'm looking for. That's a pretty stupid move on my part as it significantly decreases the odds of me finding it.

I have found a voice of my own but I feel like my body, my bones and my whole being is aching for someone to love. I have never been in love so I really don't know what it's like. I just want the opportunity to find out." It takes no time to fall in love, but it takes you years to know what love is." From the great prophet Jason Mraz...if he writes all his lyrics, he is a genius!

I hate being trapped in time and space- time needs a purpose and space needs gravity. I don't want either unless I can find it in someone else. I've only been footloose because I've had no-one to ground me. I am so sure of myself yet each day that goes by I start to doubt. I doubt that I will ever find anyone to love. I start to doubt that anyone will find me and love me. It's a bad head space to be in. What is love anyway? Why does everyone want it so badly? Is it just a concentrated mass of happiness centered around one person? How can it be so selfish yet so indulgently kind? Love is selfish because it includes no other but the two people it encompasses. Sure, sure... I know you. You're imagining that once the birds start circling around the happy couple that the love just leaks out everywhere and everyone in their presence feels it to the tips of their toes...blah blah. There's so many lies about love that I don't know what's true anymore. I don't think I'll ever learn until I have it. In the meantime I can just be bitter and cynical about the whole thing.